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Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Sad Sad Day

Yesterday I was faced with a moral dilemma. I had to snub an old friend in order to not want to beat myself up. It is all very well and nice to say forgive and forget, and to not judge anyone too harshly, but I cannot just sit and play all nice-nice and pretend that everything is okay either. I need time, lots of it, and plenty of space.

We were never extremely close, I never shared any secrets with her, we were just on normal friendly terms.
But in order to make herself feel better, she shared awful secrets with me. I told her I didn't want to know, she ignored me. After she unleashed her poisonous mess all over my kitchen table, I told her I never wanted to discuss that topic again. I told her to leave me out of it and that it wasn't appropriate for her to tell ME secrets she had not shared with her own husband. Unfortunately, she got herself in a big mess with another acquaintance of mine. Now I don't want to take sides or hear bad things about my friends. I don't want to believe that they could hurt each other in irrevocable ways. I have not talked to her since and don't plan to, even though I told her I would not judge her. I am no angel, but I am not going to go ask my friends for validation of my evil-doings. My messes are my own.

I thought it was presumptuous of her to want to sit next to me. I have not spoken to her since that day. I have bounced back email messages as if I had changed my email address instead of just blocking her. I have not called or contacted her in any way. Isn't that enough of a hint? I am not trying to teach her a lesson or point out her wrongdoing, It is not my place or my fight, but I can't just pretend that everything is okay either, and I cannot sit next to her and make idle chit-chat.

She already had a seat and so did I. When she got up and came down through the auditorium rows to sit next to me, I panicked. My heart started racing, I knew that I was going to be unable to be who I had always been with her. I was completely unprepared. As she approached, I cut off my conversation with another mom, grabbed my cell phone and acted like it had rung. As I ran past her I gave a brief wave as if to say that I had an urgent call. I raced up the aisle and out of the school. I never returned to that seat where she was sitting waiting for me. Instead I ran out into the arms of another friend that I was supposed to meet at the event. I feel awful about the snub, because my behavior was not anything to be proud of. It was very high-school and juvenile. My hands were shaking during the entire event, and I was willing her not to turn around and look for me. I kept my program up in front of my face.

I was embarrassed at myself for not telling her the truth. "I don't want to be around you right now, it is too hard, I cannot hurt someone else's feelings to spare yours. I never wanted to know your secret, I wish it was all a bad dream, I wish you would go away now and leave me alone." I wish you could leave the whole mess in peace."
I wish I could just email this and get it out of the way...

1 comment:

  1. It's totally unfair of her to put you in her drama -

    When I was in a similar situation I got in the middle of someone else's mess because I was friends with them individually and I thought they were both doing something wrong and I wasn't going to dump one of them or the other while they were both being idiots.

    One friend felt it was a betrayal and the other was surprised I didn't throw him over. It was uncomfortable but it was better than playing games. Tell her you don't hate her, but it's too much for you and you can't deal with it right now. Tell her you'll contact her when you're ready but you need to be able to get back to "neutral" and that's going to have to be on your timetable not hers. .

    Whatever is going on it sounds like perhaps she's not worth hiding from. Sorry this has to suck so bad.


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